I've been thinking a lot lately about commitment and what it means. Partly spurred by the conversation happening on The People Formerly Known as the Congregation, partly spurred by my mother's visit, and partly spurred by my own general fears surrounding the issue, I've been wondering what it truly means to give yourself to someone or something.
When I think of commitment, I most often think of stoic resolution to follow something through. It is rarely associated with joy, but primarily with duty. Which I'm coming to realize is only half the picture. I've started thinking of it as a sort of push/pull relationship. We push by the discipline half, choosing to act for the other whether or not it is convenient for us or what we particularly want to do at the time. I usually think of this as the hard part - my selfishness sometimes even compels me to rationalize my actions in such a way that I find myself fully expecting the other to not only understand but applaud me for my courageous drawing of 'healthy' boundaries. Sick, right?
But as much as I often lack the discipline to act for an 'us' instead of an 'I', I think the part of commitment that has escaped me the most has been the 'pull' side. The side that requires a certain vulnerability, the humility to allow yourself to be given to. Conventional wisdom says that it is better to give than to receive, but then Biblical wisdom says that we can't give unless we have received. (This is not a commentary on whether people other than Christians can do good. They can. And do. A lot.) Maybe receiving really is where a large measure of the joy comes in. When I'm doggedly doing, trying hard to get it right and put the other first, I can completely eliminate any true relationship. I can look back and see where I've done this, and it breaks my heart. Instead of trusting the other to (albeit imperfectly) meet me, I rush to meet them, trusting my own abilities to carry us both. Which obviously fails, as I am similarly imperfect. Ultimately, instead of embracing relationship, I've just embraced my own control issues and caved in under the weight of my own fears and suspicions. On the one hand it is incredibly self-protective, but on the other hand I completely rob myself of one of my deepest desires: to rest in relationship, to trust another person with my full self, risking great pain for the potential of great joy. Scary.
I think this is true not just in relationships with other individuals, but also with God and organizations. It can all become very self-centered, although it can be very cleverly masked as piety. For example, to commit to a church (or l'abri, or any other ministry) and minister to others without allowing yourself to ministered to can lead to resentment and burnout, and rob you of any joy that could have been found, just as solely taking from the group without giving back leads to an incomplete experience.
By all of this I don't want to diminish the joy that can be found in giving. It's a total rush to be able to give meaningfully to someone you love. Or serve a cause you believe in. But, for me at least, it is easy to do it while maintaining an unhealthy autonomy, living in a protective cocoon. I want a more complete joy.
What do you think? What have I overlooked? I'd value any input that could help me clarify my thinking.
3 comments:
I pretty much agree. I think relationships should be built around service to each other. By putting the other first, we give ourselves, and build up the other. At times this is a frighteningly vulnerable thing to do, and certainly not easy; but I do believe it is the foundation and example which Christ has given us to emulate.
As you point out though, it can be much easier to give than to receive. When I look around, I see most relationship that end badly, ending because of a lack of serving. This has caused me to, rightly, become aware of ways in which I can serve the other. However, it is easy for me to forget that not allowing myself to receive can break the relationship as well.
Well, I am still pretty new at this...but I'll chime in anyway. :)
At our wedding, our pastor challenged us to spend our lives "outserving" one another. This challenge is one toward daily (usually multiple times per day) choices about whether to prefer myself or someone else.
Still, I think serving someone or doing things for them must occur in tandem with real emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy. I can't stand the thought of having Jonathan run around and try to do nice things for me all day long without actually being with me, hearing my heart, and being present in whatever is going on in my life.
But when we are well connected on many levels, we are able to make choices (even subtle ones) that take the other's best interests to heart.
Not sure if this makes sense...I'll keep thinking about it.
Thanks for your thoughts...
Sarah, I love that challenge. Good luck! ;)
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